Houston...

...we've got a problem.

When it gets to the point that I'm bawling after a driving lesson, there's probably an issue.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm so self-critical, or why even writing this on a public computer at the law school is bringing me to tears, but it needs to stop. I don't entirely understand it-- even fumbling a bit in class today in front of all of my classmates when I obviously didn't adequately know the reading wasn't as emotionally draining.

I don't know why I break myself down in the way that I do, but hopefully I'll learn to stop.

I get it. I am a bad driver when thousands of 16 year olds do this stuff in their sleep. And yes, I know, I know-- experience, not everyone picks it up as fast, whatever. Yes, my driver is an overly smarmy 50something who talks to me as if I am a child, further exacerbating my rage at myself.

And then I beat myself up even further for being crazy/not manning up/not being able to go out in public without breaking out into tears. It never ends! I am my cruelest enemy.

My shirt is practically drenched with sweat. My head hurts. Like, what is all this!? And it wasn't even *that* bad-- I mean, I drove, got berated a bunch of times, same old same old.

Blah. Happy Halloween!

[I swear, there's a lot of good stuff to write about; I'll eventually sit down and do that at some point.]

And if you've got room.

If there is something I am tired of hearing, it is, "this is too hard for me."

Boo hoo hoo.

I have just about exhausted my fucking sympathy.

Oh, distance, you will be the death of me. Three times now! I must be a slow learner. It might actually be time for me to close the heart off for good.

We'll see how things go. But I'm prepared.

Another breakup-makeup post. Haven't done those in a while.

[See? I am back. Sort of.

If you've got room.]

He regresado.

I suppose that means I'm back.

I've been thinking of how much I missed blogging-- surprise, surprise. Maybe I just needed a reprieve? Anyway. I thought I would start a new blog but reviving this one makes sense, too.

And here we are.

I'll give something like a recap of the past few months later. For now, I'll talk about the first news article I came across on Google News-- a police officer from Boston getting suspended because of his email.

The case is, of course, related to Henry Louis Gates. It turns out Sputnik years and years ago was, also, related to Henry Louis Gates-- EVERYTHING is related to HLG. To be honest, I was tired of the story as soon as I first heard it. I do not understand why everyone feels like talking about it-- feels like a trap, if there ever was one. Anyway, the story does not really interest me in the slightest, though I do argue for a certain interpretation usually when the issue is brought up...just to stir the pot.

Apparently, Justin Barrett, an officer from the Boston Police Department, wrote about Gates and the incident, referring to Gates as a, "jungle monkey." Whereas the Gates incident[Or Gatesgate!?] was muddled with elitism, politics, and other nonsense that makes the case really more of a distraction and waste of resources than a true front to expose[and hopefully combat] racism, this one is much more clear cut.

There are two issues. First, or the one that I first thought about, was the issue of privacy. Barrett's statement wasn't verbal-- it was via email. To be honest, this part seems fishy-- was it his hotmail account or was it the Boston PD account? Is the BPD now refitting the Patriot Act to look for emails from terrorists AND racists? I do not know. The Boston Globe also has this to say about Menino: "The mayor said he has not seen the e-mail and while the officer is not officially terminated, he might as well be. 'He’s gone - g-o-n-e. I don’t care, it’s like cancer, you don’t keep those cancers around.’"

A little early, I think, to say that type of thing without having seen the eMail.

But, it seems like Barrett hasn't denied the email itself, but has rather been going after the second issue: that it isn't racist. Wait, what? Yeah, me too.

Besides the history 'jungle monkey' has as a racial epithet used to describe Black people in this country...yeah, not going to fly. He also claims that he "didn't intend to offend anyone", which seems like a fishy statement. The words are obviously offensive. It may not have been his intent to do so, but he knew that there was reasonable likelihood that they would. In this type of case, his intentions aren't so important.

Do I think he should get fired? I don't know. I find it weird, the standard we hold policemen and policewomen to. Do they even get paid that much? Do they deserve the smearing that they get? This sort of fearmongering might not be healthy, in the long run. Probably already isn't. Might engender more discontent among the police force and further ruin relations between the Boston Black community and the BPD. And apparently Barrett has no disciplinary record in his two years being on the force. And he might get fired in the following weeks for an email?

I thought something more reasonable might have been suspension with mandatory training, or something other. Even Crowley isn't getting fired. Do we really need to add to the unemployment line?

So, no, he probably shouldn't be getting fired. Oh well.

This is Boston.

Later, folks.

A cause des garcons.

Talk about inconsistent.

I decided something close to a few weeks ago that life is much better when I don't take myself so seriously & feel the need to comment on it all the time.

I also have an internet dependency...surprise, surprise.

And so, I'm trying with limited success to...get over that. You know, 2009, all that.

Limited success.

Very excited that my college career is about to end. Need a change of scene.

Currently, busy pretending to finish all of my applications for Law/Grad schools. Took my GREs last week. Reaching for the stars, hoping one falls within reach.

I might change blog addresses & give up olashorty altogether, due to circumstances that you can probably guess. One of the difficulties of keeping a blog relatively public, I guess.

Due to my falling in love with Yelle...I am now studying French. And it's fucking fun.

Life's getting a little interesting now that I can laugh at myself more and have gotten better at disengaging.

I hope you all enjoyed your holidays & aren't too busy making trite resolutions for 2009. ;)

A CAUSE DES GARCONS.

Orange peels, covering up my heart

It's odd that my lack of a love life is worth addressing nowadays?

Via conversation with my best friend:

Elle (1:04:34 AM): i must confess something...
Moi(1:04:45 AM): go ahead, my child
Elle(1:04:56 AM): i hate seeing you single
Moi (1:05:01 AM): ?
Elle (1:05:01 AM): please find a bf asap

And that is exactly why we are best friends. How I've missed her and her pow wows.

I should be working, but I gave up hours ago. I wish I could trust myself to nap and wake up at 5/6 to continue.

So less stressed now that LSATs are over. Now I just need to start GRE/fellowship stuff...

Love you long time. Hopefully I can get back to blogging soon. At least over break.
Love you long time.

Julienne cuts in my musculature

I realize I haven't posted in an awful long time.

It's been hella busy around these parts.

LSATs tomorrow. I generally have been content with the idea that I'm going to do horribly and can kiss my application to Columbia goodbye. But then I started reading online-- law school numbers/random forums, and I. Have been stressing.

I really need to get into grad school, take the time to actually prepare for LSATs instead of taking MAYBE five practice tests total. I've got fee waivers that last until '10...enough time.

Trying not to be cynical, but. There's just no way I'm even getting close to the ballpark.

Argh.
I can't even explain my disappointment in myself. And I really don't want the consolation-- I'd rather blame myself, for now.
Argharghargh.

Boy in my pocket, wine on my lips

So, I'm gonna let people into another messy thing I do.

If there's someone who claims to be interested in me in ANY fashion, or who displays signs of such, I try to push them onto someone else.

I'm not entirely sure WHY I do it. Part of it is disinterest, or at least wanting to be disinterested, which is almost the same anyway. Another part goes back to some naive notions I have about feelings-- that if I like someone, being presented with another person won't make me change my direction, no matter how many times I've been spurned. Feelings just don't die that easily-- if they do, then they're probably illusory. I sometimes feel things should be the same for other people.

[EDIT: Actually, on reading that...I'm not so sure I agree with that anymore.]

Either way, it's hella passive aggressive and I need to stop doing that. I did it last night with two guys who were getting a little too...close-- helped them hook up, that is. And I guess it's a good thing-- no more hooking up with randoms. There's just...no point. Only making my dissatisfaction that much more tiresome.

I figure with all the travel deals and political entries, I should make a messy entry about myself.

So, I'm walking back home, looking at my shoes, wondering why I'm such a passive- aggressive idiot, talking to myself about how great it is that I hooked up two people and have no one to come home to. And so I go on with my soliloquy to my audience of one, but then I concluded that at least my new "single&fabulous" lifestyle has actually withstood the test. Studying, food, clothes, money, family/friends-- that's all I'm about right now.

Chang chang, getting paid over here.
I'm still drunk, which is why I believe this entry is so...candid.

The BEST thing about today is that I'm possibly going to get a free trip to the dining hall with some of my good friends from less-cool dorms, and that afterwards I'm gonna be brunching/studying with my new gay BFF.

He's fabulous, I'm fabulous, and his current BFF is neglectful. So I'm moving in.

I am so excited!
[Or at least I can pretend. I actually...want to punch walls and scream about what my life's become.]

GRAH.